Here we are, more than halfway through June, and I am trying to keep up. Trying to get back in the swing of things. Trying to look at the bright side of every day, instead of the immense numb feeling I have when I think of my dad. It’s so weird to me, this feeling, because it’s a mix of sadness and just nothing. I don’t know what I expected it to feel like, but I don’t think it was this.
Whenever anyone I know has died, I have been left with simple regrets, things I wish I had told them, hugs I wish I had given, chances I never took. But this is different. My dad knew I loved him. I knew he loved me. I hugged him more in his last 2 months than I ever remember hugging him in my life. We have never been an overly emotional or affectionate family; we are tough in that sense and don’t show emotion normally. We all know that we love each other, but we don’t verbalize it. So, since my dad and I had said what we needed to say to one another, I don’t have those regrets that I might have otherwise. More than feeling an overwhelming sadness, I just miss him.
But life is slowly trudging on. We are off to central Kansas this weekend to see my brother, and after that, I am putting my full effort into being the house-buying, stamp-selling, amazing-cook-of-a-wife that I know I can be.
Til then, hang around with me, okay?
1. sweet little Layla bug.
2. ER for super-bad sprained ankle. My entire foot is now black & blue (but not broken!).
3. rose garden.
4. morning coffee.
5. new lace Toms. love.
6. my strawberry plant is a-growing.
Something about a hurting heart,
an angry heart, a sad soul
always brings the words
to the surface
flowing onto the page
with such ease and fluidity that
when things brighten up again,
The weekend was a slow one, a pretty quiet one. I like it that way, where I can go out in a t-shirt and without makeup. My favorite.
On Sunday, Greg and I took a little ride out to our soon-to-be home and the lake nearby. We are so close (less than 2 miles) to the lake, and I imagine that we will be spending quite a bit of our summers there in the future. I suppose we will have to get our fishing licenses (again). Then we came home and I spent over an hour pinning ideas for my office and bedrooms. I am slightly obsessed with putting together our new home. It’s going to be so much fun.
Anyway, while we were out, I got a few photos of the lake. I am looking forward to so many new photo opportunities. They are just screaming at me.
Well, we are getting closer. It seems like it has taken more time than we anticipated, but in reality, it hasn’t. We made it through the general inspection with no major problems, mostly minor cosmetic things that we already knew would be listed. Light fixtures and things like that. The septic inspection went okay too.
So now we are waiting. And hoping. And dreaming. And planning.
And soon, we will be picking out definite paint colors and flooring.
I love you and miss you so much.
They keep telling me that time will take care of the pain, and my heart will be less heavy with every day that passes. It’s only been 10 days. They are wrong. Everyday I miss you more than the day before, and need to talk to you. Everyday I have angry moments because it doesn’t feel fair. And still, everyday I am a little bit grateful that you no longer have to live in misery or pain, suffering to breathe. I feel both selfish and selfless, my heart goes back and forth, because I want you back, but it was best for you to go. You held on too long, in fact, for us. Up until that last moment, I suspect you held on for us.
Please keep sending me light. I am trying, but now is when I need it.
I took a little trip to the Rose Garden at Gage Park yesterday. Greg went to ride his bike, and I had some down time. The sun was out, and even though it wasn’t the best shooting conditions, my camera was along for the ride. It’s so calming how taking photos, harsh shadows or not, can clear my head and make me focus on things that take away all the stress. Taking photos distracts me.
I love the Rose Garden. It’s pretty and quiet, and I can roam, looking for pretties. Yesterday, I was chased by a bumblebee. I was warm in the sunshine, and I saw more battered roses than pristine ones. It must be due to the hail and rain we have had lately. Still, even in their weathered stage, they are pretty, petals or not.
Looking forward to small photo excursions like this.
Happy 8th birthday, pretty girl.