This quote has become one of my favorites lately. It fits. It’s simple. It just about sums up things that brew inside of me perfectly. Especially the things that gather in my head at night when I am lying awake in the dark, hoping that I can fall deep enough into a sleep to ensure that the next day won’t be a complete drag at work.
Cancer is unforgiving. I never understood that before. I have known people with it. Known people who died from it. Known people who have been in remission for years. But I have never seen someone so close to me change so dramatically from it. I watch Dad change, feel good then bad, be confused and weak. I hear him quietly moan sometimes when he is in pain and refuses to admit it. And I will be honest about one thing: I am angry. Like turn-the-music-up-loud-and-SCREAM type of angry. Not that anybody deserves something so horrible, but especially not my dad. And I am scared. This is one of those things that I already know is going to break me. But on top of it all, I am hopeful. Things won’t ever really get better for Dad (maybe more comfortable but never better), but we can make them as good as they can be for the moment.
That’s all we can do.
I’m bad at this project. Really bad, especially in the sense that I haven’t even opened up my OLW binder since Dad’s cancer diagnosis.
There just doesn’t seem to be much wishing that can be done to fix cancer. I suppose I wish I had chosen the word hope because I find myself clinging to it much more these days. Hope is the same kind of uplifting word, but it fits my situation much better right now. It gives me a bit more comfort and calm.
One Little Word is done for me right now. I can’t concentrate on it. I can’t focus. And frankly, I don’t have the time or energy to worry about it. Maybe I will go through and print all the handouts and get back to it later, but for now, the wishing is halted.
Thank you for all the good thoughts and prayers that have come in also. My family appreciates them very much.
This year, this month is full of so many firsts. So I have decided that in honor of my soon-to-be-legal new last name and starting over in a way, I would make it official with a new blog.
There won’t a bunch of huge changes from http://www.carrielkoch.com besides focus of posts, maybe, and design. Starting a new blog meant that I could be more serious about what I wanted it to look like. And I could brand myself better.
I feel more myself than I think I ever have. More confident in ways. More vulnerable in others. I am scared of some things that are inevitable in my future, and excited for others that I had resigned to not ever being mine. I can’t promise that anything will be regularly posted here for a while during the difficult weeks ahead with Dad’s cancer, but it will be nice to have a cozy place here to come when I need.