I have had a lot going on lately. Not just lately, over the past year or so, I have organized and planned an entire wedding alongside keeping a full-time job, starting a part-time photography business, dealing with the diagnosis/treatment of my Dad’s terminal lung cancer, grieving over his death (the words alone bring tears to my eyes as I type this), finding/buying a house, and now, remodeling it. It’s a lot in a short amount of time. And of course, I didn’t do it all by myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was hard all the same.
The stress has worn me down.
I’ll be honest that I have never been very good at handling stress. I don’t eat right. I feel a flare in my nerve pain. I normally break down and retreat, wanting to stick my head in the ground until whatever it is that is happening goes away, somehow disappears into thin air. I tend to close off and turn into myself, not wanting to discuss the problems or situation, and somehow it has worked for quite a long time. And when I get to the point that it is all too heavy, when I can’t hide from it anymore, I cry. Big, ugly sobs until I can’t breathe.
And lately, I roam craft stores. I don’t have to buy anything (although I have been allowing myself to spend $20 without feeling guilty), but it feels so big and quiet. And empty, too. Going aisle after aisle calms me. All those pretty little things that can be thrown together and made into bigger prettier things.
Life will slow down soon enough, I suppose, but until then I will just keep going through, head first and headstrong. There really is no other way to get to where we want to be.
What do you do to relax and disconnect from the stresses in your life?
because life is too busy for sleep.
+ loving my new little iHome that my honey bought for my work office.
+ reading Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Slowly.
+ hating the smoke stains (and dirtiness) that the previous home owners left for us.
+ needing a Carrie day. Journal, pen, camera, quiet.
+ planning a new blog look.
+ listening to Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. Over and over.
+ seeing so many red birds. I was never really superstious, but those birds are something.
+ wearing eyeliner. It’s as much trying as I have been doing.
+ focusing on building a steady and fun client base.
+ daydreaming of DIY projects for the house. Crates, planters, etc.
+ missing an actual summer.
+ wishing there were more hours in the day.
+ enjoying the sunshine. It has been pretty rainy lately so any sunshine is welcomed.
+ feeling emotional. Anything reminding me of my dad can make me cry (when I’m by myself, of course).
+ eating toast and crunchy peanut butter. So good.
+ smelling onions. We had a taco bar fundraiser at work, and I was the one who brought onions. It’s in my skin or something.
+ looking for new yogurt flavors. Easy-to-go breakfast for early mornings.
And it’s my birthday. I don’t really have anything planned. Honestly, this is the first birthday in quite a long time that nothing excites me or sounds better than just hanging out. So I am shooting some old friends tonight (against the amazing Dr Pepper wall in NOTO) and taking the rest of the day as it comes.
My only wish is for no rain.
I have been waiting for you. I know you bring warmth and sunshine and for some reason, every year, it feels like a new year starts with you. Every year, you are my favorite.
But this year, you are bringing the hope that things are starting to look up. Things can be okay. I am still sorting through these piles of emotions that came along with Dad’s cancer diagnosis, but with you, August, I can see light. He is my light, and that is all I needed to know to be strong. Today is two months that I have been without him, and I am still not used to it. I miss him. I will never be used to that feeling.
This month, I will:
+ paint a huge canvas
have a photo shoot (or 3)
+ send moving announcements
+ turn 28 (holy crap)
+ finalize the current logo design/marketing plan I’m working on
So August, let’s stay together and slow down a bit, eh?
+ loving: a day off work.
+ reading: The Help. Such a good book.
+ listening to: Spotify radio.
+ eating: Homemade beef jerky. My husband is good at that.
+ drinking: Fruit-infused water. It’s better than I thought.
+ planning: A remodel, a move, and a huge new-home decorating extravaganza.
+ missing: my dad. Of course.
+ enjoying: whatever sunshine I can get.
+ craving: a day where I don’t have anything to do. Where I can just do what I want.
+ seeing: chipped nails. And I just don’t care.
+ wishing: IKEA in Kansas City was done already. How will I ever wait another year?!