The Disconnect

IMG_5934aI haven’t been feeling very well lately, and honestly, it has worn me down. I have no energy and no drive and would love to lay around all day, but you know, job, kid, husband, life.

I have been making myself rest more, and by rest, I mean, just hang out and do nothing productive. That sounds incredibly lazy and boring, and really, it is. I am not a fan. I am not used to it or built for it, but right now, I think it is what my body needs. Rest. No stress. To relax.

In an effort to fully sink into my rest, I bought a pair of lounge pants. They are made of loose, kinda springy material, perfect for just hanging around on days that I don’t really need to leave the house or have anyone coming over. I like them. I am wearing them right now as a matter of fact. Earlier, in a truly odd SCI moment, where it feels like I am looking down at my life from 10 feet above, I thought “Man, they look really comfortable.” I don’t know if they are. I can’t feel them. I bet they are.

It’s one thing that I find so interesting and weird about my injury. I see feelings. If that doesn’t make sense, let me explain. These pants LOOK comfortable. The material feels soft against my fingers. I like the color, and they are just loose enough to not look sloppy. I know they are comfortable because I see that they are, not feel that they are even though I am wearing them.

When I see runners starting to get out in the spring, when the road is still wet, but it is warm enough to take their mornings jobs, I feel that jelly feeling in my legs. The one that you get when you aren’t sure you can run anymore. I haven’t run in over 15 years, but I see the running, and I feel it. And sometimes, I still try to kick things out of the way. My mind forgets that my legs don’t work.

Our bodies are odd things, and the phantom feelings I have are one of the things that are a blessing and a curse about this injury. Like running. I LOVE that feeling, like I would collapse on the floor if I stood because my legs would be so tired (I totally would still fall but because my legs don’t work, ha), but I also MISS that feeling.

But I wouldn’t trade what I have for any of those things.

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